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My heart and soul,
I wish to console…you even now.
Now that I have robbed you of you future.
I didn’t want to, it’s just I wasn’t used to…the attention I was getting.
Spent a lot of time sitting, and contemplating on what I should do.
Thinking of everyone else, but you.
Putting myself before you.
Allowing strangers to take you…from me.
Why couldn’t I see…the hurt I would feel.
Still don’t know how to heal…the many wounds I’ve punctured into my mind.
Still can’t find…the words to explain my full regret.
Wishing you away…help…me…forget.
I let my fears decide your fate.
Selfish is the woman you hoped to wake….up to.
Now that I’ve destroyed your eyes before you could see.
“Got your nose” before you could feel it bleed.
Covered your ears, so you wouldn’t hear
Mommy’s prayers that you’d just disappear!
Leaving no trace of you in my womb.
And though I thought, I would have no room…for your life in mines
I’ve realized that I’ve broken my own heart and soul.
And I wish only to console…you even now.
Now that I weep in your remembrance.
My thoughts are eclipsed by your existence.
I miss you. My soul.
Knowing that you once lived inside me, changes my whole…perspective on life.
And now I sit here popping pills…
Popping pills, day by day.
Although they remind me of your missing face.
I pop pills again and again, because I am weak!
I am too weak to stand and raise, what I have laid down and created.
Too weak to admit that you and I were related.
Too weak to endure 9 months of pain and joy.
Too weak to find out if you were a girl or a boy.
Too weak to deal with possible, body-altering stitches.
Too weak to enjoy all the precious riches…bundled in that sweet small smile.
I’m just too weak to bear a child.
Or even to close my legs for a while.
So I pop pills to prevent your existence…not from this world.
But from my world.
And I can lie and say that I did it because I wanted better for you.
And I didn’t want this world for you.
Or I wanted to be more than just a horny girl for you!
But the truth is, that is all a lie.
I did it because I didn’t want any ties…
Holding me to this place I call home.
I’m selfish, I know.
But understand, please, that you are my soul!
And I only wish to console…you even now.
Just know that I loved you.
I still do, love you.